Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
