Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize