we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
