hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
