You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
