ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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