i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
