You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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