It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
