shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
