I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
