My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
