maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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