I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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