I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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