I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
