Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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