My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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