you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
