What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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