Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
