Sry I called you an 8
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
