Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
as a side note pls kill me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
