i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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