remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
