Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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