it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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