I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
