literally had 100 drinks last night.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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