Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
