just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
