Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Alive.
So much puke
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
