Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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