it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's official drugs can't kill me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
