i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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