i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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