NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
