I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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