he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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