Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My bed smells like the plague
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
