He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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