Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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