He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
