So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
