she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
