Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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