I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
