I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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