this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
