Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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