Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
