i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
