is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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