I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
