I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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