Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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