I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Don't make out with my wife yet
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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