True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
