oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
