I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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