So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
