Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
