brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize