bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
