I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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